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"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?"
We've all had friendships that have gone bad. Whether it takes the form of a simple yet inexplicable estrangement or a devastating betrayal, a failed friendship can make your life miserable, threaten your success at work or school, and even undermine your romantic relationships.
Finally there is help. In When Friendship Hurts, Jan Yager, recognized internationally as a leading expert on friendship, explores what causes friendships to falter and explains how to mend them -- or end them. In this straightforward, illuminating book filled with dozens of quizzes and real-life examples, Yager covers all the bases, including:
The twenty-one types of negative friends -- a rogues' gallery featuring such familiar types as the Blood-sucker, the Fault-finder, the Promise Breaker, and the Copycat
How to recognize destructive friends as well as how to find ideal ones
The e-mail effect -- how electronic communication has changed friendships for both the better and the worse
The misuse of friendship at work -- how to deal with a co-worker's lies, deceit, or attempts at revenge
How to stop obsessing about a failed friendship
And much more
The first highly prescriptive book to focus on the complexities of friendship, When Friendship Hurts demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and how to develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level. For everyone who has ever wondered about friends who betray, hurt, or reject them, this authoritative book provides invaluable insights and advice to resolve the problem once and for all.
- Sales Rank: #382368 in Books
- Published on: 2002-07-09
- Released on: 2002-07-09
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .60" w x 5.50" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 240 pages
Amazon.com Review
Does anything hurt worse than betrayal by a close friend? Sociologist and friendship expert Jan Yager (Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives) explores failed, hurtful, and destructive friendships in When Friendship Hurts.
The book describes 21 types of potentially negative friends. The "Rival," for example, is envious to the point of malice. The "Blood-sucker" expects you to be there every moment. The "Controller" must be in charge of everything, from where you meet for lunch to whom you date. Yager lays out strategies for dealing with the problems when you want to keep the friendship, while also warning about extreme behavior and discussing triggers that lead to friendship conflicts, such as jealousy, anger, and change (of marital status or job, for example). Yager also guides you to examine your own destructive or harmful traits and recognize patterns in your family background that affect your friendships.
Overall, this book will help you learn how to deal with destructive friendships--when and how to save them, when and how to end them, and how to cope when a business friendship goes wrong. Yager, who has appeared on Oprah and other TV programs, also encourages you to celebrate the joys of positive friendships. --Joan Price
From Publishers Weekly
Sociologist Yager (Friendshifts) has been studying and writing about friendship since the 1980s. Drawing on the results of 180 questionnaires, as well as earlier studies she conducted, Yager focuses here on what to do when friendships go bad. Successful friendships, according to Yager, are marked by trust, honesty, empathy and commonality characteristics that may be compromised when a once-supportive relationship turns sour. When this happens as it inevitably does in the course of one's life friends may become self-absorbed, overly dependent, highly critical or even betray one another. Underlying childhood issues, such as low self-esteem, intense sibling rivalry and abusive parenting often prevent adults from forming satisfactory friendships. The author outlines a variety of coping techniques that committed friends can follow as they work through negative patterns that are eroding their relationship. She also explains how to recognize a friendship that is so destructive it must be ended (e.g., if a friend isn't there for you when your parent dies, it's a sign the friendship's over), how to actually end the friendship (try saying "I'm busy" when the friend asks to get together), how to detect "harmful" people before you become friends with them (examples are the "taker" and the "one-upper") and how to deal with friendships at work (Yager is convinced these friendships should remain casual). This valuable book will be a rescuer to all readers struggling to deal with an ailing friendship.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
About the Author
Jan Yager, Ph.D., is a sociologist and the author of Friendshifts®: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives. Recognized as the number one expert on friendship in the country, she has been seen and heard on Oprah, The View, The O'Reilly Factor, and NPR, as well as on numerous other national television and radio programs. She lives in Fairfield County, Connecticut.
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
A useful guide to assessing your friendships
By Ferro
Unfortunately the world is full of people who lack self-awareness (or at least we develop it at vastly different rates), so you may find yourself having to be very patient with those around you who are not so interested in knowing themselves.
No friend is perfect and ultimately most of us manage relationships that have their disadvantages; in some cases we tolerate toxic friendships for too long when we should in fact be ending them.
I liked the thoughtful and sympathetic tone of this author immediately. Her methodical approach provides a useful framework and objectivity for assessing your friendships, especially useful in our complex and emotional personal lives, or if your inner voice is telling you something is wrong. This is a likable and accessible book that is very easy to get through.
The author gives a series of amusing true-life case-studies and scenarios from her research and experience which provide food for thought. She also summarizes the important points in a variety of common situations that will help to crystallize the way you think about the people in your life. You will also find yourself reflecting on your own behaviour and how to be a better friend. Her advice about how to conduct online friendships pre-dates facebook, yet still manages to be relevant.
She systematizes her points into lists, allowing an organized analysis of your friendships; she also gives helpful advice on your options and recommends useful ways of managing difficult scenarios.
4 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Listen to your intuition
By kthaw
I bought this book in November of 2015 because I had doubts about a friendship of mine that I valued and yet had the queasy feeling was toxic for me. The very fact I bought this book was verification for myself that something was amiss. If you are searching for a book like this, there's a reason. Listen to your intuition. The friendship dragged on for a while longer until I finally ended the friendship in an honest, kind, loving, and yet truthful way. Chapter 6 of this book is helpful in that regard.
8 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Emotionally Healing
By Rebecca of Amazon
I make very few friends but the friendships I have are always very deep. The day before I found this book I felt betrayed, abandoned and wounded by one of my best friends. I'm a great believer in bibliotherapy so I went looking for a book to help me work through the myriad of emotions I was experiencing.
Mostly I just felt like crying for an entire day. So for the first half of this book I cried. Then the friend and I worked things out and I read the rest of the book only feeling slightly disappointed. If I had not read this book I may have ended the friendship forever. I trust very few people but this friend that upset me, well I trust them with my life. So I have to question why they treated me so badly.
This book deals with every aspect of friendship and especially points out twenty-one types of potentially negative friends. The truth is, before I read this book I had no idea friends could betray each other in so many ways. This book is truly a very revealing look at all aspects of friendship from workplace friends to personal friends to casual friends to best friends. There is also thankfully ways to save a friendship which I could appreciate.
The author of this book is an expert on friendship and has been researching the topic extensively for many years. I felt I could trust her advice and that she really knew what she was talking about. So whether you are in a bad situation with a friend or simply want to pursue friendships that will make you feel loved and valued (instead of friendships that destroy your self-esteem) then this book has a lot to offer.
By reading this book I realized that friendships can change over time and that you have to be flexible because your friend's lives can also change so quickly. After reading this book I realized that I probably had expectations that were too high. Friends are human after all and the fact that we can keep friends at all in our fast-paced society is a true miracle.
So if you are going through a stage of disappointment as I was then this book will be very helpful. Just realize that you may need to develop new boundaries with your friend. After all, you can't just let them keep hurting you over and over again. I am still a little hurt but without this book I would still be in emotional chaos. I can truly say that reading this book was a healing experience.
~The Rebecca Review
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